The Gift of Humility

I learned something interesting over the past few days. The events of Friday (see previous post) were nagging at me all weekend. There was not a thing I did all weekend long that didn't have me thinking about those kids at least once during the particular activity.

I was actually really nervous to go back to school for fear that I would get in trouble for usurping power and not doing things the way that they were supposed to be done. I feared that the kids would hate me, and that they would tell my teacher, Coach Subda, that they didn't like me and give him a list of all the things I'd done wrong. I dreaded the public stoning.

But, after listening to the CES fireside that Elder Eyring gave last night, I was humbled. When he began his talking saying something like, "I can't see you, but your Heavenly Father can. He loves you and he knows your needs," my eyes watered and I was humbled by the love I felt that my Heavenly Father has for me. Throughout the rest of the talk, I felt my heart soften, and I made a connection that I hadn't made before.

As Elder Eyring talked about having pure motives to receive the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, I realized that my motives were somewhat selfish. I don't think they were bad--it's not that I'm power hungry and forcing children to do things is how I feed my addiction. In general, I thought my motives were pretty good. I wanted to help people, I wanted to teach true principles, I wanted to help people be happier and healthier. I wanted to be a good teacher, and I wanted to show my teacher what I was capable of doing. I thought they were good.

The words Elder Eyring spoke, however, changed my mind. I saw that while my motives weren't inherently bad, they weren't pure. I suddenly realized in an amazing moment of humility whose children I was teaching. I saw them as God's children and felt the love that he has for them. Not only does Heavenly Father love me and know me and my needs, he knows each one of those kids, and the incredible spirits that they are, and the trials they face. He knows what they need to be taught and how.

I came to realize that I am just the instrument. I know it sounds either lame or like "Duh, where've you been?" but it took me a while to see it. And once I realized that, I also realized that they way I treated them on Friday wasn't very nice. I'm not saying that I was mean at all, but I felt like my intentions of challenging them and helping them learn were minimized because of my presentation. Jesse pointed out to me that I don't always present myself well, and sometimes my tone of voice and my body language are deceiving in that they send a message that may not match what I really feel. I felt like I owed these kids an apology.

There were, however, some things that I did feel like I needed. I needed to feel like I could have control of my classroom. I needed to feel like I was supported in the decisions I made about how to teach and what I felt was best. And I felt like I needed more structure to the class. I didn't want to talk to my teacher and come across as being the "know it all student teacher" and I didn't want to in any way send a message to my teacher that might even be considered as an insult to his teaching. I just prayed that I'd be able to ask for what I needed and not step on toes or offend people.

I am amazed at how the Lord has provided for me. I spend the first two periods of the day with an ESL teacher who is incredible at classroom management, and is so organized! She's amazing, and I feel really comfortable with her. I told her what I was feeling and she helped me formulate what and how I needed to say things. When I talked to Coach he was so willing to listen, so willing to help me out, and really made me feel safe in asking for his help. On top of that, he let me have a few minutes with the class. He is a good, good man. I am so blessed to be able to work with him.

In each of the classes today I had the chance to apologize to them for the way that I presented myself. I explained to them that I was like them--a student, not really sure what I was doing, and feeling my way through things. I expressed my love and concern for them, and told them that I wanted to help them learn and be happy but that I also wanted to learn how to be a good teacher. I asked them to forgive me and be patient with me as I was learning. I again told them that I thought they were amazing, that I cared for them, and expressed to them that the challenges that I had in mind for them were not me on a power trip but that I really felt like they were capable of doing something. And yes, as stupid as it is, and incredibly uncharacteristic of me, I got choked up. I didn't actually cry, though, so that was good. :)

It was an amazing thing to do. After I expressed my apologies I felt so much more love for them. And they were so forgiving and kind. One student apologized for the class for being unruly and another student in the next period thanked me for being willing to apologize. I believe his exact words were, "Ah Ms. Woodbury, you didn't do anything wrong. But at least you a teacher that's willing to apologize. I accept your apology." And a few even replied back that they cared for me when I expressed that I cared for them and wanted them to be happy. One little girl, after it was all over and class had begun, just looked at me and smiled and waved. Her smile and wave meant so much to me.

Afterwards I asked Coach what he thought of my apologizing--I wanted to know if he thought it would make me look weak in the eyes of the students and make it more challenging to control them. He said that he felt that it did a lot to help them respect me and feel more comfortable with me. He told me, "As a student, when I heard someone say, 'I don't know everything, but I'm doing my best and I'm trying' I felt so much more at ease around them. When I heard you say that, I felt that the kids knew you were sincere and that they felt that same way."

Today I learned that humility is one of the greatest gifts of God. I can hardly conceive the amount of love and concern I feel for these kids. I have no words to express the gratitude I feel for these teachers that are helping me and supporting me. I am amazed at how it changed the entire environment of the classroom. I feel like I have changed. Now, my goal is to always remember whose children I teach, and seek for the daily revelations that Elder Eyring talked about that I need to be able to teach these children what their Heavenly Father needs and wants them to know. I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of humility.

Once a cougar, still a cougar....

I know many of you have been long awaiting the update of my life here in Texas. Things are pretty good. The drive here was long, but uneventful and it was fun to spend some time with my dad. It seems like we always make long drives together, and rather than just racking up miles on the odometer, I am racking up memories with my father. I've been so blessed to have such wonderful parents.

I am currently living in Spring, TX about 10 miles away from the school I'm working at. It's a nice area. I'm having some interesting learning experiences with my living situation, but they are making me so grateful for what I have. I continue to recognize my many blessing each day. I often feel the urge to cry tears of gratitude at all I have, and I can't help but wonder why I've been so blessed. It just doesn't make sense.

The other day I was at a meeting for student teachers all about classroom management. The speaker said something that really got me thinking. "You can do anything to these kids if they know you care. You can ream them out and discipline them, and if they know that you care, everything will be ok. When they know you care, it changes everything." Suddenly it struck me how important it is to know that I am a child of God and that he does love me. It puts everything in life into a new perspective and makes it possible to endure any trial or remain faithful during any test. Again, I felt to cry tears of gratitude for a Father in Heaven who loves me. I resolved to be more faithful and rely more on Him.

I appologize for the expression of emotions, but my heart was/is full. Now, on to something new for all of you who may or may not care. Here is a little demographic information for the school distric I'm working in:

District Size
111 square miles in north Harris County

Student Enrollment
According to latest Texas Education Agency report, 2004-2005 AEIS report, Aldine welcomed 56,255 students and was the 12th largest school district in Texas.

Pupil / Teacher Ratios
The pupil/teacher ratio averages are:
Grades PK-4 22:1
Grades 5-6 28:1
Grades 7-8 29:1
Grade 9 29:1
Grades 10-12 29:1

Budget
General operating budget: $372,510,665

Ethnic Composition
Hispanic 61.06%
African American 31.85%
White 4.87%
Asian/Pacific Islander 2.14%
Native American 0.08%
as of Oct. 3, 2005

Employees
Aldine employs more than 7,700 people. Approximately 4,000 of those are teachers.

I am at Nimitz High School, home of the blue and white cougars. Ironic, I know. Right now, I'm working with two different teachers and in two different content areas. I spend periods 1 and 2 working with Debbie Currier in a begining ESL class. There are 16 students in the class, with a few who just arrived to the US no more than 2 or 3 months ago. Some are from Honduras, others are from Mexico, and a few are from El Salvador. It's amazing to me how fast they are picking up English. They do, however, spend 5 hours of the school day in an intensive English learning classroom. Mrs. Currier, and her assistant are both fluent in spanish, so it feels more like a bilingual classroom than it does an english classroom. The kids are so smart, though, and they are really well behaved. Yesterday they each recited from memory the Texas flag pledge, and nearly every single one of them did it just about perfectly, and with an almost perfect accent. I was stunned. This was after only 4 weeks of school. They inspire me to try harder at difficult tasks.

Mrs. Currier is extremely organized and has a set routine that she follows every day. I'm positive that that is why she has so few behavior problems.

I spend periods 4-7 with Coach Subda in health. The students are all in grades 10th-12th, and it's very different from ESL. Coach Subda likes chaos and doesn't really have a routine. It is somewhat difficult, also, since he is a "floater"...he lacks his own classroom and just moves from room to room every class period. I hate it already! I'm so small compared to the students and it's a challange to navigate the halls and the crowds of people. I wish we just got to stay in one class. Besides, it sucks having to write the same instructions over and over again in every room.

The lack of a routine makes it challanging to get the students started with their work so a lot of time is wasted. And, because he's so laid back and there's no real order to life, the kids don't really like me when I try to make order or don't tolerate their bad behavior.

My second day in the school I started learning everyone's names. I walked around talking to the kids during an activity that they did and by yesterday I had just about every name in 3 of the 4 periods memorized. (I spent yesterday making a test during one period so I didn't get to finish learning names or reviewing the ones I knew...so sadly I didn't meet my goal of memorizing everyones' names by the end of the week.) While I didn't meet my goal, I do give my self some credit for knowing the names I do know, considering it's only been 4 days and there are about a 100 kids total. Even Coach Subda doesn't know everyone's names. I guess I've discovered a talent!

These kids are a real challange for me. I find myself tending to feel sorry for them, and imagining the various lives they come from. I can't begin to fathom it. For example, while I was upset that the power got shut off at my house because my roommate didn't get the bill paid on time, mainly because it meant that I couldn't play with my new computer, I thought about how such a thing is probably a common occurance in the lives of my students. One girl told me that she has moved 15 times in 15 years. I can't even imagine. So I find myself pittying them and wanting to make excuses for them.

Another part of me is frustrated and annoyed with them. They talk out of turn, they're rude and disrespectful of themselves, their peers, their things, and me. They get up and walk around the classroom. They're not motivated to work. They don't stay on task. They don't listen. They don't follow directions. They whine, make excuses, beg to go to the bathroom, tell me I'm mean, get all worked up when I ask them to do something, and are generally disorganized, lacking in structure, and undisciplined in vitually every aspect of their lives. It frustrates me because I feel like a broken record, a slave driver, a cheer leader, and the enforcer (with no real inforcement authority and they know it) all in one. I fear that they will drive me over the edge.

And yet, my prayers for charity are being answered. I find myself thinking about them, worrying about them, praying for them, and loving them. I want so badly to reach them, to help them, to teach them something useful for their lives. I want them to be happy and smart and reach their goals. I feel myself loving them. And when I'm frustrated with them, I pray for more and more charity. I look for the good things they are doing, and I find it easy to praise them. I am grateful for the gift of charity.

Today, after only 3 days of being in the school, I was left alone to give a test. It was quite the learning experience. I learned that these kids have been enabled to perform at mediocre levels of performance nearly all their lives. Initially they'd been told yesterday that they could use their notes on their test. I wanted to see what they really knew, and so I told them that they could not use their notes. They were livid. They fought me and whined and half of them just turned it over saying, "I'm not even gonna try." I couldn't believe it. They had no motivation to learn, and they had no motivation to try. They were so upset that they didn't have a word bank or that it wasn't multiple choice. They wanted it to be easy. And if they'd even read the definitions once or twice, they'd have been able to recognise these words. (Or so I thought).

I did eventually let them use their notes to finish their test. Keep in mind that they had two days of activities using these vocabulary words. They got to work with partners to make sure they all got done. They had pleny of time to finish this work. Even still, they complained because they couldn't find the answer in their notes (even though I knew it was there because I could see it, or it wasn't there because they'd not finished their notes but spent their time socializing instead.) I had a problem with students sharing notes during the test, and I didn't know whether or not to count that as cheating. I didn't know what to do! With their notes, and the first 10 minutes of class to review their notes, it took about 45 minutes to complete 12 fill-in-the-blank test questions. The blanks had spaces for each letter, so that should have made it even easier. And still, even with all that, some students didn't or couldn't answer all the questions. I was absolutely stunned. These kids don't know how to think.

It was a good experience for me. I learned a lot from this testing experience. I learned that I need to prepare them better for the test. I need to have them practice using strategies for answering questions that don't have choice options or a work bank. I need to have high expectations for them, despite this activity. I need to make their work meaningful, so that they will actually do it, and learn from it instead of copying down the words from someone else's crossword puzzle. I need to do constant assessments. I need to write better tests. I need to teach and practice test ettiquite. I need to set up a routine with them. I need to find ways to motivate them to take risks and make guesses even if they don't know if it's the right answer. (They couldn't even make a guess! I couldn't believe it!!)

I couldn't help but thinking about Lev Vygotsky's idea of the Zone of Proximal Development. This test was a good way for me to see where they were, and what they were capable of. I now have a better grasp of their zone of proximIal development and can work from there. I really think these kids are capable of much more, and are able to perform at a higher level than they are currently performing. Finding how to increase that performance level is going to be a challange. Actually increasing their performance level will be even more of a challange. But, I'm trying to remain hopeful. I'm trying to maintain those high expectations and think of how I can use the skills and strategies that I learned to help me.

The idea that the world is my campus is true. I learn so much each day, and am grateful for the experiences I am having. In the ESL class the kids read a book about a boy named Taro who moved to the US from Japan. When Taro thinks about all the challanges of moving to a new country, he says in Japanese "Gambado", which, when translated means, "It is hard, but I can do it!" I thought about that today between h and 7th period classes when I was exausted and frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I thought about Taro, and these darling ESL students, all trying to learn a new language and a new culture, and feeling lost and overwhelmed. I said a silent prayer that I could get through the last period without being upset or showing my frustration. I asked again to have charity for these kids. And then I thought about Taro, and my life. It is hard...it's so hard. It's so different from what I thought it would be. But, like I said earlier, I am going to be more faithful. It is hard, but I can do it....Once a cougar, still a cougar....