The Gift of Humility

I learned something interesting over the past few days. The events of Friday (see previous post) were nagging at me all weekend. There was not a thing I did all weekend long that didn't have me thinking about those kids at least once during the particular activity.

I was actually really nervous to go back to school for fear that I would get in trouble for usurping power and not doing things the way that they were supposed to be done. I feared that the kids would hate me, and that they would tell my teacher, Coach Subda, that they didn't like me and give him a list of all the things I'd done wrong. I dreaded the public stoning.

But, after listening to the CES fireside that Elder Eyring gave last night, I was humbled. When he began his talking saying something like, "I can't see you, but your Heavenly Father can. He loves you and he knows your needs," my eyes watered and I was humbled by the love I felt that my Heavenly Father has for me. Throughout the rest of the talk, I felt my heart soften, and I made a connection that I hadn't made before.

As Elder Eyring talked about having pure motives to receive the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, I realized that my motives were somewhat selfish. I don't think they were bad--it's not that I'm power hungry and forcing children to do things is how I feed my addiction. In general, I thought my motives were pretty good. I wanted to help people, I wanted to teach true principles, I wanted to help people be happier and healthier. I wanted to be a good teacher, and I wanted to show my teacher what I was capable of doing. I thought they were good.

The words Elder Eyring spoke, however, changed my mind. I saw that while my motives weren't inherently bad, they weren't pure. I suddenly realized in an amazing moment of humility whose children I was teaching. I saw them as God's children and felt the love that he has for them. Not only does Heavenly Father love me and know me and my needs, he knows each one of those kids, and the incredible spirits that they are, and the trials they face. He knows what they need to be taught and how.

I came to realize that I am just the instrument. I know it sounds either lame or like "Duh, where've you been?" but it took me a while to see it. And once I realized that, I also realized that they way I treated them on Friday wasn't very nice. I'm not saying that I was mean at all, but I felt like my intentions of challenging them and helping them learn were minimized because of my presentation. Jesse pointed out to me that I don't always present myself well, and sometimes my tone of voice and my body language are deceiving in that they send a message that may not match what I really feel. I felt like I owed these kids an apology.

There were, however, some things that I did feel like I needed. I needed to feel like I could have control of my classroom. I needed to feel like I was supported in the decisions I made about how to teach and what I felt was best. And I felt like I needed more structure to the class. I didn't want to talk to my teacher and come across as being the "know it all student teacher" and I didn't want to in any way send a message to my teacher that might even be considered as an insult to his teaching. I just prayed that I'd be able to ask for what I needed and not step on toes or offend people.

I am amazed at how the Lord has provided for me. I spend the first two periods of the day with an ESL teacher who is incredible at classroom management, and is so organized! She's amazing, and I feel really comfortable with her. I told her what I was feeling and she helped me formulate what and how I needed to say things. When I talked to Coach he was so willing to listen, so willing to help me out, and really made me feel safe in asking for his help. On top of that, he let me have a few minutes with the class. He is a good, good man. I am so blessed to be able to work with him.

In each of the classes today I had the chance to apologize to them for the way that I presented myself. I explained to them that I was like them--a student, not really sure what I was doing, and feeling my way through things. I expressed my love and concern for them, and told them that I wanted to help them learn and be happy but that I also wanted to learn how to be a good teacher. I asked them to forgive me and be patient with me as I was learning. I again told them that I thought they were amazing, that I cared for them, and expressed to them that the challenges that I had in mind for them were not me on a power trip but that I really felt like they were capable of doing something. And yes, as stupid as it is, and incredibly uncharacteristic of me, I got choked up. I didn't actually cry, though, so that was good. :)

It was an amazing thing to do. After I expressed my apologies I felt so much more love for them. And they were so forgiving and kind. One student apologized for the class for being unruly and another student in the next period thanked me for being willing to apologize. I believe his exact words were, "Ah Ms. Woodbury, you didn't do anything wrong. But at least you a teacher that's willing to apologize. I accept your apology." And a few even replied back that they cared for me when I expressed that I cared for them and wanted them to be happy. One little girl, after it was all over and class had begun, just looked at me and smiled and waved. Her smile and wave meant so much to me.

Afterwards I asked Coach what he thought of my apologizing--I wanted to know if he thought it would make me look weak in the eyes of the students and make it more challenging to control them. He said that he felt that it did a lot to help them respect me and feel more comfortable with me. He told me, "As a student, when I heard someone say, 'I don't know everything, but I'm doing my best and I'm trying' I felt so much more at ease around them. When I heard you say that, I felt that the kids knew you were sincere and that they felt that same way."

Today I learned that humility is one of the greatest gifts of God. I can hardly conceive the amount of love and concern I feel for these kids. I have no words to express the gratitude I feel for these teachers that are helping me and supporting me. I am amazed at how it changed the entire environment of the classroom. I feel like I have changed. Now, my goal is to always remember whose children I teach, and seek for the daily revelations that Elder Eyring talked about that I need to be able to teach these children what their Heavenly Father needs and wants them to know. I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of humility.